Why Don’t Men​ Talk About Midlife?

One of the reasons I started this blog was the scarcity of information and a very small number of conversations around midlife issues, especially by men.

Googling midlife, I found plenty of results around “midlife crisis”, both for men and women but apart from that, not much.

The social media feature some conversations about midlife, mostly dominated by the theme of “midlife crisis” and presented in a humorous way. Not much substance there.

And there’s even less conversation about midlife in our daily lives.

Women seem to be more open about the midlife issues, something that can be attributed to more specific physiological challenges during menopause.

But we, men, don’t talk about midlife.

Is It Because Men Have No Midlife Issues?

Even though we are not facing the physiological challenges like women do at this age, we all know that we have our own issues.

Our challenges in midlife range from the initial stages of a disease, weight issues, relationship troubles, staying relevant at work, progressing our careers, finding purpose in life, and many more.

I haven’t yet met a men who would be completely free of midlife concerns. But, we don’t like to talk about them.

Is It Because Men Don’t Talk Much About Anything?

A few weeks ago, my brother was visiting and we spent some quality time together. My wife asked me:

“So, how is your brother doing?”

“He’s fine,” I said.

“That’s it? Just fine? You spent so much time together!” she said with a puzzled expression on her face (although she’s used to getting the same response every time after I meet my male friends or relatives). We usually have a good laugh about how men communicate with each other.

And it’s true. We usually talk about politics, sports, other people (yes, we do that too), and from the general mood of the other person in the conversation, we figure out that… he is fine. Simple!

I have come to believe that men will go to great lengths to avoid discussing any issues they may be facing until the issues have become critical and very evident. And when this happens, we often label it “midlife crisis” and move on.

Do Men Consider Midlife Issues to Be “a Champagne Problem?””

You will probably agree that ignoring issues until they become a crisis is not a good idea.

Imagine how many of your problems you could resolve or make easier to deal with if you could discuss them with someone you trust.

Unfortunately, such conversations don’t come easy for men.

Unless something becomes critical or urgent, we consider it to be a “champagne problem” and are embarrassed to discuss it.

In the large scheme of things, our personal struggles seem so insignificant – especially when we compare them to the huge problems the world faces, such as wars, poverty or issues that others deal with – for example sickness or addictions.

And so we keep silent.

The irony is that we can only contribute to resolving the bigger issues if we are in a good shape ourselves – physically and mentally, having sorted out our “champagn problems.”

But, to do so, we have to allow them to see the daylight. Keeping everything inside is not a good strategy.

Are Men Afraid of Being Stigmatized If They Talk About Their “Issues?”

This is an interesting one.

Although we, men, know that everyone faces challenges in midlife, and many of them are obvious, we are scared to death to discuss them.

Why is that? It makes no sense.

We are so fearfull to admit that we are dealing with something difficult in our lives that we prefer to act like it is not there, although on many occasions we know others can see it.

I do not know and do not want to assume, where this fear comes from. Surely we men want to be strong, brave and smart but I’m sure it is not that simple, it must be something deeper.

Let’s Start Talking About Midlife

I am certain that midlife is a distinct period of our lives, much as childhood, adulthood and old age, and we should treat it as such. I align fully with the view of Chip Conley in his book “Wisdom @ Work, The Making of a Modern Elder” on this matter.

At this point I cannot answer why most men do not like to talk about midlife. Maybe we know some of the reasons, but we surely need to dig deeper.

However, what is even more important, is to find a way to encourage men to discuss midlife issues and take action to overcome them.

I hope we can find the way and we all start doing something about our midlife challenges and realize the opportunities we have ahead of us.

Let’s do that, not only for us but also for the people who love us and those we impact by how we show up in life.